Tag Archive | society

I’m Not The Girl You Fall in Love With

It took me a whole lot of time to realize why. And it was simple, laughably so. I am hard to love because I’m not the girl you fall in love with.

I’m possibly the woman you respect. The woman you admire. The woman you’d like to come home to. The woman who forces you to question perspectives you’ve been living with for years. The woman who rattles your preconceived notions of what YOU like. The woman you look at and wonder ‘how? How does she do that?’ The woman you look to for strength and support. The woman who makes you realize how large the world is, and can be. The woman you’d turn to when you need advice. The woman who makes a man out of you.

But I’m not the girl you fall in love with. I’m not the girl you want to spend hours with, just staring at each other. The girl you try so hard to get a smile out of. The girl whose hands you want wrapped up in yours. The girl who’s so beautiful, so delicate, that she makes you want to fight the world for her.

I’m not the girl you can protect from herself, because I’m not fragile enough to break at every step. I’m hardened, and I have battle scars that possibly mirror yours. I’m not ashamed of the marks, and blemishes, and bruises on my body and mind. They’re mine, and they tell my story. I won’t walk meekly, always a step behind you. I’ll walk with you. Push you, just as much as I push myself.

This makes me difficult to love, because you can’t wrap my love around yourself. No. You’ll have to bend, too, and that will chafe at you. Eventually, you might leave, just because you found a girl who makes you happy, instead of a woman who made you think.

I’m not the girl you fall in love with. I’m the woman you learn to love..

Thought Catalog

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image source: pixabay

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Real Life Castaways

It’s the peak of summer season in my country and I was complaining because the weather’s too hot and how it triggers my migraine. And then every time I read news there’s this horrifying article about the ‘boat people’. Out there in the ocean are the Rohingya and Bangladeshi refugees. hungry..unwanted. homeless..was it religion that cause this great divide?

I don’t understand how some people can turn them away. Are we not all part( if not, most of us) of the United Nation and signatories of the many conventions, treaties and protocols relating to human rights and treating refugees? Therefore we must do our part in establishing a humane world for all of us. Even assuming that our country does not participate in the family of nations, it’s still so awful to think you can turn away destitute and oppressed people like these. I understand that there are always underlying political issues but the right to life is our fundamental right. Why are these people being deprive of it? it’s just so sick.

I hope they find their home soon. No matter what religion they have, what race, they are humans and they are all entitled to human rights…

This made me realize that I’m so much blessed with my life, even if it’s scorching 40 degrees what right do I have to complain? It would be a shame..

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Photo credit: REUTERS/Syifa/Antara Foto

I GOT THIS!!

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The way I live my life is a full combination of mental and physical exhaustion. I had to work on an night shift so I can go to the University in the afternoon only to die there every time. Go home in the morning, Allot 4-5 hours reading, catch my regular 2-hour sleep and then wake up, put on my lipstick and wage war at the MRT station. Sometimes, I even wonder what it feels like to do nothing, watch the sunset and just be really quite. A lot always ask me if I even sleep. LOL. and I would always say “sleep is just for the weak”! seriously though, I am happy with my life. I love this study and I pour my heart and soul into this and I’m really hoping my efforts will pave the way into someone I hope to become.  I appreciate people for asking and for always wishing me well. I don’t want anyone to worry about me. I don’t want anyone to doubt me. I want people to support me and cheer me up when I feel worn out. I also would like to apologize if I sometimes appear grumpy or detached. I am not mad or anything, I’m just try’na save my energy!

I love my life. I love this world. La Vita E Bella. I GOT THIS!

(photo is not mine. Just found it on google)

One Rainy Day When I Met God

“That day I understood life
We are but fleeting
Like butterflies upon the bud
and he was there among us
Just another lost soul
Just another one wanting to be loved
Just another one hoping for a better life..”

It rained the whole day today so I was feeling cold and sleepy when I boarded a jeepney going to the University. I didn’t know this would be a very memorable day to me..

I sat near the door of the jeepney and I noticed a small boy sitting opposite to me. I can tell by his ragged look and torn clothing that he’s a beggar.
He was holding a cup of noodles and he was eating with much delight. Uncaring of the passengers entering the jeepney. He had a loaf of bread on his other hand.
When the collector entered the jeepney, he handed few coins as fare and I was amazed – I don’t think he’s got enough but he still gave his share.
Not everyone does that. Most of us always fail to share.
I felt ashamed for all those people who live by stealing. The corrupt politicians, the selfish brats and most importantly for myself. Sometimes I also do not share.
What amaze me more is the fact that he wasn’t asking. He just sat there quitely.
I saw some passengers gave him few coins when they got off and he would smile every time. He always smile and his eyes were so kind.
I had a bottle of water and I think he was thirsty because I saw him looking at it so I gave it to him. He smiled at me and whispered “salamat” (thank you)

That boy reminds me of so many things . I see some people dining at expensive restaurant, they do not finish their meal.

I knew some people who deliberately force themselves to vomit after eating just so they do not get fat.

I read in the news everyday how respected public officials and politicans take the money that belongs to their people.

I’ve seen rich kids waste their food and toys. and I’ve see many people waste their lives.

There is too much injustice in this world. We could have enough. In fact we DO have enough. This earth has more than enough to give each of us a better life but why is poverty all around? why do street children roam the streets  even when it’s raining? Is it because some are just naturally lazy or is it because there is an unequal distribution and monopoly of wealth?

It’s hard to ponder but the way I look into the boy’s face, I don’t see any negative feeling towards the cruelty of this world. His face looks so serene and beautiful.

I hope I can also be like that. I hope I can also trust God and know that His ways are far more better than my understanding.
That boy was a wonderful reminder that life may not be fair all the time but there is God and everything will be alright..

Right at that moment, I am reminded how blessed I am. I have enough. I have clothes on my back, I have something to eat. I have a wonderful life and sometimes all I need is to look around..

God reveals Himself in a most unexpected way. He did today 😀

 

 

jenaraismyname. august 4, 2014

When The Soul Feels Tired

Last night it occurs to me : I am tired

I am tired of going to the same place
I am tired of doing the same things
I am tired of seeing the same people
I am tired of my job
I am tired of this study..

The golden streets and city lights have always been a fascination to me, but last night as I was looking out of the window of the bus, the faces and the lights look all tired. The people were so eager to be home and rest. I didn’t see anyone smiling. Why do they don’t smile anymore? Are they tired too?

I realized I never rested. I have this incomparable energy that doesn’t make my body and my soul rest . I am always happy. I am cheerful, or was I just deceiving myself?

I wanted to do different things. I don’t like my days to be the same as they were. I get bored. And when I get bored, my feet would itch to run away and just fade away and again.
but when I am faraway, I miss being here
when I am here, I wanted to go out there..
when I am not doing things I want to be busy and when I am busy I want to sleep..

I lead a pretty good life. I have a great life, don’t I? but why is it that it seems that nothing’s happening in my life.  It’s always the same.

This feeling of being tired is so uncommon to me and it’s scary. Why do I feel tired? why do I feel uninspired? unmotivated? Why do I feel exhausted, worn out? lifeless?

I felt a warm liquid running down my cheek. Was I crying?

For a moment I felt like I was standing in an isolated prairie. I was wishing I really was. If I were, I would have ran, with my arms stretched upwards and shout through the air. It would feel so close to heaven I guess..

I remember a line in a song ” even heroes have the right to bleed and it’s not easy to be me“..

I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
‘Bout a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd but don’t be naïve
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed but won’t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
And it’s not easy to be me”

I’ma be okay..

Why Am I Different?

I am random. I like random things, I have random ideas and I tend to be inconsistent. I thought it was okay. I was doing pretty normal actually but now that I am not so busy it’s bugging me around and it’s not becoming okay..

I’ve always been easily distracted,  but I can have this super high focus when I like what I’m doing. It really creeps me out sometimes and it’s frustrating because I don’t get it. How can some people sustain and fix their attention on something without losing their head?

My job right now requires me sitting in front of a desk for 8 hours a day. Honestly, it makes my spine shiver. It’s as if I wanna run outside and scream!

I am always told I can’t focus. But I know I can. It’s just that my way is different from others. I’m just probably too curious about so many things and I’m having a hard time organizing things up. maybe I’m just naturally messy.  I like doing several things at the same time. I like noise. I can’t stand my attention on 1 thing or task for a long time because it sends me drifting in a trance.  But If I do lots of things it makes things easier for me. It actually keeps me ‘focus’.  It’s really hard. I am interested in wide array of things but my interest is fleeting unless I really like what I’m doing, then I can become highly persistent.

Yep. It is sad. It is sad when you’re trying your best to pull yourself together and people don’t understand… All they see is you having such a pain in a butt attitude, stubborn, inconsistent,  headstrong and that you don’t belong..

They always tell me to do this or do that and I still don’t understand.. I’m too restless that I can barely contain it..This is the reason why I like being busy. Being busy keeps me sane. Oh man, I’m still trying to figure things out to understand things better.

Yesterday, I found this article and it almost sends me to tears..

 “The ADD mind is full of complexity and inconsistency. It is characterized by high mental and physical energy, coupled with extreme lassitude at times. It’s as if the “weather” in your brain is constantly changing from clear and sunny to foggy and cloudy, then back again. You worry unnecessarily about certain things, and not enough about things that warrant true worrying. Your fast-moving mind is easily distracted, alternating with an amazingly super-focused mind at certain times. You do not suffer from a deficit of attention but a wandering of attention. The goal in treating ADD is not to prevent these mental excursions, which are often of a highly creative nature, but to bring them more under voluntary control.” –source

Guess, I always knew I just don’t want to accept it. It’s kindda scary..

jenaraismyname 18.03.14