Tag Archive | living

Awakening

So I finally had the courage to write. It took  many months to figure things out and get back on my feet. I guess, It takes a good fall sometimes to finally realize the things that matter. pain makes us a better person isn’t it? This year has been difficult to me and I have made mistake but I’ve learned. I’ve learned the hard way so to speak.

There was a time in my life when I decided that the only way to be happy to is shut the cruel world out. I have my beautiful family, I have a job, I have wonderful friends. What could be more better than that? But that’s not how the way things are. Sometimes, we have to face our demons in order to grow.

Life is not a fairy tale. And after so much hesitation, I tried and just like that, just like that my life shattered into a million pieces.

I had fallen down. I suffered silently in my misery. I had to hide my true self behind a mask of a happy face. Fake it until you make it, eventually I made it, gradually the light started to creep in. I didn’t want to stay broken.

Today,  I am so close to being real. Still in pain getting a lot better. The key to being better, I realized is acknowledging my pain and reconnecting with my soul.

I was in dark and cold place. It’s like I was trapped inside an iceberg that no one could ever crack unless I decide to get out on my own free will  and I didn’t want to stay there anymore. I miss the sunshine.

I made baby steps, slowly tried to reconnect with the real world. Through denial, resistance, I found acceptance and forgiveness and finally was able to make peace with my past and the people who caused me pain. Above all, I learned toforgive myself for my mistakes. I have loved and I have lost. I have abandoned myself inside

..and I am claiming it back.

 

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I GOT THIS!!

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The way I live my life is a full combination of mental and physical exhaustion. I had to work on an night shift so I can go to the University in the afternoon only to die there every time. Go home in the morning, Allot 4-5 hours reading, catch my regular 2-hour sleep and then wake up, put on my lipstick and wage war at the MRT station. Sometimes, I even wonder what it feels like to do nothing, watch the sunset and just be really quite. A lot always ask me if I even sleep. LOL. and I would always say “sleep is just for the weak”! seriously though, I am happy with my life. I love this study and I pour my heart and soul into this and I’m really hoping my efforts will pave the way into someone I hope to become.  I appreciate people for asking and for always wishing me well. I don’t want anyone to worry about me. I don’t want anyone to doubt me. I want people to support me and cheer me up when I feel worn out. I also would like to apologize if I sometimes appear grumpy or detached. I am not mad or anything, I’m just try’na save my energy!

I love my life. I love this world. La Vita E Bella. I GOT THIS!

(photo is not mine. Just found it on google)

One Rainy Day When I Met God

“That day I understood life
We are but fleeting
Like butterflies upon the bud
and he was there among us
Just another lost soul
Just another one wanting to be loved
Just another one hoping for a better life..”

It rained the whole day today so I was feeling cold and sleepy when I boarded a jeepney going to the University. I didn’t know this would be a very memorable day to me..

I sat near the door of the jeepney and I noticed a small boy sitting opposite to me. I can tell by his ragged look and torn clothing that he’s a beggar.
He was holding a cup of noodles and he was eating with much delight. Uncaring of the passengers entering the jeepney. He had a loaf of bread on his other hand.
When the collector entered the jeepney, he handed few coins as fare and I was amazed – I don’t think he’s got enough but he still gave his share.
Not everyone does that. Most of us always fail to share.
I felt ashamed for all those people who live by stealing. The corrupt politicians, the selfish brats and most importantly for myself. Sometimes I also do not share.
What amaze me more is the fact that he wasn’t asking. He just sat there quitely.
I saw some passengers gave him few coins when they got off and he would smile every time. He always smile and his eyes were so kind.
I had a bottle of water and I think he was thirsty because I saw him looking at it so I gave it to him. He smiled at me and whispered “salamat” (thank you)

That boy reminds me of so many things . I see some people dining at expensive restaurant, they do not finish their meal.

I knew some people who deliberately force themselves to vomit after eating just so they do not get fat.

I read in the news everyday how respected public officials and politicans take the money that belongs to their people.

I’ve seen rich kids waste their food and toys. and I’ve see many people waste their lives.

There is too much injustice in this world. We could have enough. In fact we DO have enough. This earth has more than enough to give each of us a better life but why is poverty all around? why do street children roam the streets  even when it’s raining? Is it because some are just naturally lazy or is it because there is an unequal distribution and monopoly of wealth?

It’s hard to ponder but the way I look into the boy’s face, I don’t see any negative feeling towards the cruelty of this world. His face looks so serene and beautiful.

I hope I can also be like that. I hope I can also trust God and know that His ways are far more better than my understanding.
That boy was a wonderful reminder that life may not be fair all the time but there is God and everything will be alright..

Right at that moment, I am reminded how blessed I am. I have enough. I have clothes on my back, I have something to eat. I have a wonderful life and sometimes all I need is to look around..

God reveals Himself in a most unexpected way. He did today 😀

 

 

jenaraismyname. august 4, 2014

When The Soul Feels Tired

Last night it occurs to me : I am tired

I am tired of going to the same place
I am tired of doing the same things
I am tired of seeing the same people
I am tired of my job
I am tired of this study..

The golden streets and city lights have always been a fascination to me, but last night as I was looking out of the window of the bus, the faces and the lights look all tired. The people were so eager to be home and rest. I didn’t see anyone smiling. Why do they don’t smile anymore? Are they tired too?

I realized I never rested. I have this incomparable energy that doesn’t make my body and my soul rest . I am always happy. I am cheerful, or was I just deceiving myself?

I wanted to do different things. I don’t like my days to be the same as they were. I get bored. And when I get bored, my feet would itch to run away and just fade away and again.
but when I am faraway, I miss being here
when I am here, I wanted to go out there..
when I am not doing things I want to be busy and when I am busy I want to sleep..

I lead a pretty good life. I have a great life, don’t I? but why is it that it seems that nothing’s happening in my life.  It’s always the same.

This feeling of being tired is so uncommon to me and it’s scary. Why do I feel tired? why do I feel uninspired? unmotivated? Why do I feel exhausted, worn out? lifeless?

I felt a warm liquid running down my cheek. Was I crying?

For a moment I felt like I was standing in an isolated prairie. I was wishing I really was. If I were, I would have ran, with my arms stretched upwards and shout through the air. It would feel so close to heaven I guess..

I remember a line in a song ” even heroes have the right to bleed and it’s not easy to be me“..

I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
‘Bout a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd but don’t be naïve
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed but won’t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
And it’s not easy to be me”

I’ma be okay..

Say NO to REGRETS

Sometimes, we have something that we really want to achieve in our lives. We call it ‘goals’ or ‘ambitions’. And sometimes when we decide to pursue it, all of our time become devoted to it. We forget social life. We forget our family. We forget living in a sense.

And so we lose all of our friends, life passed us by and worse we fail in the end..or maybe we achieve what we wanted but we have nobody to share our success with. .so who will be there to console us or congratulate us? NOBODY.

We have different opinion I know, and I would like to share mine :

to be happy

Enjoy your weekend Sweethearts 😀

The Dark Side of the Gift

I guess my brain is very selective.

I get really enthusiastic and hyper focus on things I like but I can’t force myself to function properly on things I do not like. I would daydream a lot. Looking for that single spark of distraction to save me from misery especially when I feel like my brain is going to explode out my ears…

I love my extra energy but sometimes, I wonder what it feels like to be ‘normal’…

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This funny picture of King Julian represents the way I picture myself. o_O

darn! why am I so crazy? LOL